I was beyond amused reading the Metro this morning. I reckon Boris secretly writes most of the editorial because the quality is that of an oik. And in my opinion Boris is an “oik”. I usually boycott the Metro however this morning I took my seat on the train and it was spread out, tantalisingly, on the seat next to me revealing its double page spread. I perused Stalkerbook for a while avoiding the temptation of the grey pages but unfortunately there were no sex scandals or dirty laundry for me to enjoy. Instead I got the generic, ‘So glad it’s Friday’, ‘Go the Sharks’, ‘I’m tired and working so hard’, ‘My life is crap’… boring stuff… After a couple of minutes I was left dejected and finally picked up the paper and began flipping the pages for a worthy story to grab my attention. I glanced over The 'UK are the fattest nation in Europe' story, the latest X-Factor saga, Maria Carey up the duff, the lame excuse for a pun in the form of “Doggie Pawtraits”, and an article dedicated to apple bobbing.
Last Halloween 3 people were injured owing to the ruthless sport, “apple bobbing”. You’re not actually going to believe this but the opening of the story is,
‘A ‘high velocity impact with an apple’ has the potential to cause serious eye injury while unclean water could lead to infection, officials say.’ (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kMlFfmp)
You cannot actually make this shit up can you? The article suggests disinfecting the water in which the sinister fruits bob, waiting to gouge out your eyes with their stalks. To prevent the forbidden fruits from impaling you with their “high velocity impact” it is also suggested, by South Hampton Hospitals and the trusty NHS, that you wear goggles. Better still, remove the fuckers from water with your hands to add a new “twist” to the game, wow the children must be bobbing with excitement. Apple Bobbing is such a violent sport that we are also told that at the “extreme” end of the scale one could even lose an eye! I actually had a bloody good chuckle especially because the piece de resistance came from yea old man on the street. They asked a shop assistant what he thought and he said, ‘I’ve done apple bobbing for years and never had any problems.’ Well that’s good to know isn’t it?
(Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kN7E7Gi)
So that was my second favourite story of this morning. I know, you’re thinking, ‘it’s going to take a hell of a lot to top that’, and you’d be correct. The next story actually had me crying. I skimmed the pages and Posh and Becks have had a fight, The Saturday’s are singing for our troops… yawn… And then, ‘Wedding bells for pair who met via ‘ugly’ dating website’. As I scanned the page the story unfolded into an absolute cruncher, it just kept getting better and better. To begin with I was just Godsmacked that this is considered newsworthy and then as the narrative developed I was left feeling utterly amazed at the lunacy; surely so-called ugly people wouldn’t subscribe to this? The website is called www.theuglybugball.com and it is for “aesthetically challenged” folk. The website actually adopts this euphemism despite having “ugly” in the main title. Curious. Aside from being for “aesthetically challenged” folk the website has the following to say:
· Half of UK daters aren’t pretty so instead of fishing in a small pool of prettiness and getting nowhere dive into an ocean of uglies and have more choice.
· Ugly people are a better calibre of human- pretty people generally aren’t very nice and tend to be a bit shallow.
· Ugly people have had a tougher life and therefore tend to be more considerate and more loyal. A recent Uglydate survey also proved that they try harder in bed.
· Once with an ugly partner it is unlikely that anyone will try and take them from you meaning you can let yourself go completely once you’re together.
· In these straightened times Uglydate is cheaper as a) We don’t charge much as the pretty sites and b) Ugly people have lower expectations- for a first date A Family Bucket will usually do the trick.
(Taken word for word (bad grammar included) from www.theuglybugball.com)
I am trying to find words at this moment. I can only come up with the simple phrase, ‘What the Fuck’? Seriously I don’t know if these people are having a laugh but ‘ugly people try harder in bed’? They’re having a laugh surely? And the audacity of the verbose and general claims? I have met some very pissed off and miserable mingers which makes them all the more “aesthetically challenged”.
Anyway this story heralds the fact that the site is celebrating its first engagement, “Hooray”! Two mingers met via the website and are making their love official. Obviously the couple have great personalities which is what attracted them to each other. Their story is undoubtedly very charming in the usual contrived romantic cybertale manner. He sent the first witty email, she replied, eventually they decided to meet face-to-face and weeks later in a whirlwind they were head-over-heels and engaged. Yawn. The only thing that makes the story unique is the fact that they are not your average “Mr and Mrs Beautiful”. I was about to upchuck, especially after the vomtastic, ‘To me, Tom’s the perfect handsome prince- I’m just so pleased to have been able to meet him- and I’m head-over-heels in love’. But then came the bride and groom on the tip of the wedding cake, the miraculous honeymoon that has been given to them, FREE, by the website. Brace yourselves:
‘The couple, from Stow-on-the-Wold, Gloucestershire, have been given a free caravan honeymoon in Borth, west Wales…’
Now that just says it all doesn’t it?
Ohmigod... Posh & Becks had an argument? Are they OK? I'm terribly worried.
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