Musings

The Apple of his Eye

I was beyond amused reading the Metro this morning. I reckon Boris secretly writes most of the editorial because the quality is that of an oik. And in my opinion Boris is an “oik”. I usually boycott the Metro however this morning I took my seat on the train and it was spread out, tantalisingly, on the seat next to me revealing its double page spread. I perused Stalkerbook for a while avoiding the temptation of the grey pages but unfortunately there were no sex scandals or dirty laundry for me to enjoy. Instead I got the generic, ‘So glad it’s Friday’, ‘Go the Sharks’, ‘I’m tired and working so hard’,  ‘My life is crap’… boring stuff… After a couple of minutes I was left dejected and finally picked up the paper and began flipping the pages for a worthy story to grab my attention. I glanced over The 'UK are the fattest nation in Europe' story, the latest X-Factor saga, Maria Carey up the duff, the lame excuse for a pun in the form of “Doggie Pawtraits”, and an article dedicated to apple bobbing.

Last Halloween 3 people were injured owing to the ruthless sport, “apple bobbing”.  You’re not actually going to believe this but the opening of the story is,

‘A ‘high velocity impact with an apple’ has the potential to cause serious eye injury while unclean water could lead to infection, officials say.’ (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kMlFfmp)

You cannot actually make this shit up can you? The article suggests disinfecting the water in which the sinister fruits bob, waiting to gouge out your eyes with their stalks. To prevent the forbidden fruits from impaling you with their “high velocity impact” it is also suggested, by South Hampton Hospitals and the trusty NHS, that you wear goggles. Better still, remove the fuckers from water with your hands to add a new “twist” to the game, wow the children must be bobbing with excitement. Apple Bobbing is such a violent sport that we are also told that at the “extreme” end of the scale one could even lose an eye! I actually had a bloody good chuckle especially because the piece de resistance came from yea old man on the street. They asked a shop assistant what he thought and he said, ‘I’ve done apple bobbing for years and never had any problems.’ Well that’s good to know isn’t it?

(Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kN7E7Gi)

So that was my second favourite story of this morning. I know, you’re thinking, ‘it’s going to take a hell of a lot to top that’, and you’d be correct. The next story actually had me crying. I skimmed the pages and Posh and Becks have had a fight, The Saturday’s are singing for our troops… yawn… And then, ‘Wedding bells for pair who met via ‘ugly’ dating website’. As I scanned the page the story unfolded into an absolute cruncher, it just kept getting better and better. To begin with I was just Godsmacked that this is considered newsworthy and then as the narrative developed I was left feeling utterly amazed at the lunacy; surely so-called ugly people wouldn’t subscribe to this? The website is called www.theuglybugball.com and it is for “aesthetically challenged” folk. The website actually adopts this euphemism despite having “ugly” in the main title. Curious. Aside from being for “aesthetically challenged” folk the website has the following to say:

·         Half of UK daters aren’t pretty so instead of fishing in a small pool of prettiness and getting nowhere dive into an ocean of uglies and have more choice.

·         Ugly people are a better calibre of human- pretty people generally aren’t very nice and tend to be a bit shallow.

·         Ugly people have had a tougher life and therefore tend to be more considerate and more loyal. A recent Uglydate survey also proved that they try harder in bed.

·         Once with an ugly partner it is unlikely that anyone will try and take them from you meaning you can let yourself go completely once you’re together.

·         In these straightened times Uglydate is cheaper as a) We don’t charge much as the pretty sites and b) Ugly people have lower expectations- for a first date A Family Bucket will usually do the trick.

(Taken word for word (bad grammar included) from www.theuglybugball.com)

I am trying to find words at this moment. I can only come up with the simple phrase, ‘What the Fuck’? Seriously I don’t know if these people are having a laugh but ‘ugly people try harder in bed’? They’re having a laugh surely? And the audacity of the verbose and general claims? I have met some very pissed off and miserable mingers which makes them all the more “aesthetically challenged”.

Anyway this story heralds the fact that the site is celebrating its first engagement, “Hooray”! Two mingers met via the website and are making their love official. Obviously the couple have great personalities which is what attracted them to each other. Their story is undoubtedly very charming in the usual contrived romantic cybertale manner. He sent the first witty email, she replied, eventually they decided to meet face-to-face and weeks later in a whirlwind they were head-over-heels and engaged. Yawn. The only thing that makes the story unique is the fact that they are not your average “Mr and Mrs Beautiful”. I was about to upchuck, especially after the vomtastic, ‘To me, Tom’s the perfect handsome prince- I’m just so pleased to have been able to meet him- and I’m head-over-heels in love’. But then came the bride and groom on the tip of the wedding cake, the miraculous honeymoon that has been given to them, FREE, by the website. Brace yourselves:

‘The couple, from Stow-on-the-Wold, Gloucestershire, have been given a free caravan honeymoon in Borth, west Wales…’

Now that just says it all doesn’t it?

(Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/home/845540-wedding-bells-for-pair-who-met-via-ugly-dating-website)

Jaqui's Guide To Business: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Degrees of Separation

'It's not what you know, it's who you know' is an old adage that gets bandied about by smug bastards who've landed some incredible job or opportunity because they can name-drop someone important. I was thinking about this belief on my commute the other evening because some phone monkey that I work with was throwing around some hot shot motoring industry person. I think he was trying to impress me but I'm too fly to be impressed by a cheap black suit and brown shoes. Seriously I don't mind the cheap suit but I do mind the black pants and brown shoes very much. In fact I take umbrage that men actually find this fashionably acceptable. So he was swanning about the kitchen making his cheap instant coffee to get the "caffeine" hit that is so important to salespeople don't you know? And he came out with it. I literally had to pinch myself out of the stereotype. It pains me to say but he actually said, 'Jaqs, babe, it's not what you know it's who you know in this industry. I'll have a chat to Mr Wellendowed and see if I can pull some strings.' Honest to God I nearly lifted the recycling bin and threw it at him; but I didn't for I am a lady. Instead I gushed, 'wow Jobsworth (pseudonym) that sure would be neat.' The only thing helping me to cling to any sense of self worth and dignity was the dripping sarcasm and the fact that he'd given me a bloody fantastic business plan. I did however tell him I'd staple his scrotum to the office bulletin board if he ever referred to me as "babe" again.

So you may be thinking, ‘well of course it’s who you know’. You're sure about that? Really? Well here's the thing, I know some folk, name-dropping worth folk, folk who can get tickets to English rugby internationals, but I'm still skint and still drinking house wine so these folk are not exactly lighting my financial fire. And despite the fact I know (using the term “know” very fast and loose) some mentionables my life isn't going to change without some help from the gods and I don't have much of a relationship with them. I tend to name-drop God a lot but I don’t really know him personally. (Panic not I shall not inflict my ‘Tata Jesus is Bangala’ (BarbaraKingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible: 1998) views upon you dear readers.) On the other hand I do name-drop Santa Claus regularly because I do believe in him as he is the father of commercialisation and our insatiable desire to buy crap we don’t need. Also I figure asking Santa for a new laptop (not a craptop) makes me sound cute and endearing and more likely to receive said laptop.

As is my nature I am moving off the topic here and you’re probably bored of my self-indulgent ramblings; notice how I managed to fit in my religious views, my anti-consumerist campaign and hint for a new laptop. GENIUS.

So being a writer I keep my ear very close to the ground for material is everywhere. This means I know stuff, I know a lot of stuff. Stuff that makes excellent writing material. Since I lost my ethics I have a new found respect for Jashraf Amiable (Ashrafism) who nicked my life for a short story and bothered to change my name to Jackie. Previously I was enraged that he had the audacity, but folks, the long hard truth is I'd sell myself to the devil for a good story.

So here goes...

"Jobsworth" enlightened me that actually what you know and how you use it is what's important; people come and people go and staking your skills on the fact that you know "Famous McWow-you-know-him/her" is only going to work for a handful of lucky bastards. So here's my big idea...

It's a Facebook Group and it's called "Degrees of Separation". It's based on the theory that everyone knows everyone in some way through mutual friends, acquaintances etc. The premise is that disgruntled mistresses, blokes, betties, toy-boys etc. will email me and say ‘I need to tell, let’s call her “Jenny”, that James is cheating on her...’ I will then use my cunning stalker analytics and trowel through Jenny's friends, pick a friend, pick a friend of that friend, and pick a friend of that friend... I'll then message said degree of separation link and ask him/her to deliver a message saying:

‘Dear Jenny, James is a cheating bastard… I’ve been told to separate you’. Jenny will find out about James' roaming without finding out who the mistress is and, hence, will place the blame where blame is due, on James.

Personally I am sick of mistresses getting a bad rap. Now before you go all spastic and start judging me just hold the phone whilst I explain myself. I’m not saying that cheating is right or should be tolerated but it’s a sad hard cold truth and it’s not going to go away. It’s like Wagner from the X-Factor, he’s just going to return week after week like a nasty STD. Also, I’ve been cheated on and it’s like a walk in the rain sans umbrella sans pina colada. Yet, as much as it sucks there is absolutely no logic in blaming the hooker/bastard who snipered your man/woman.

Ultimately the partner should be held responsible. All too often I’ve seen said partner walk back into the sunset having been reunited with his/her disgruntled boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband etc. and the sex object is left licking his/her wounds and spending the rest of his/her days shunned from society. “Degrees of Separation” aims to shift the blame to the correct person. ‘So where does the money making part come in’ I hear my future investors exclaim. Well basically the idea is that I email the cheater and say,

‘Dear James, you are a cheating bastard. To avoid separation please deposit £x into my bank account or I tell Jenny. You might want to think twice before cheating again.’

I then give 25% commission to the poor male/female who has been victimised by the cheater and has felt that the only way to move forward is blackmail. As investors you'd be there to share the load, there are a lot of cheating bastards out there!

I understand that this concept is a little unorthodox but I grew up on a diet of Monty Python, White Mischief, Gone With The Wind, The English Patient and Dangerous Liaisons. Take your time to chew the cud on this one, I understand genius is often not recognised in its time. 

Next week’s excellent business plan… “turning good horses into pet food”.