Jaqui's Guide To Business: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Degrees of Separation

'It's not what you know, it's who you know' is an old adage that gets bandied about by smug bastards who've landed some incredible job or opportunity because they can name-drop someone important. I was thinking about this belief on my commute the other evening because some phone monkey that I work with was throwing around some hot shot motoring industry person. I think he was trying to impress me but I'm too fly to be impressed by a cheap black suit and brown shoes. Seriously I don't mind the cheap suit but I do mind the black pants and brown shoes very much. In fact I take umbrage that men actually find this fashionably acceptable. So he was swanning about the kitchen making his cheap instant coffee to get the "caffeine" hit that is so important to salespeople don't you know? And he came out with it. I literally had to pinch myself out of the stereotype. It pains me to say but he actually said, 'Jaqs, babe, it's not what you know it's who you know in this industry. I'll have a chat to Mr Wellendowed and see if I can pull some strings.' Honest to God I nearly lifted the recycling bin and threw it at him; but I didn't for I am a lady. Instead I gushed, 'wow Jobsworth (pseudonym) that sure would be neat.' The only thing helping me to cling to any sense of self worth and dignity was the dripping sarcasm and the fact that he'd given me a bloody fantastic business plan. I did however tell him I'd staple his scrotum to the office bulletin board if he ever referred to me as "babe" again.

So you may be thinking, ‘well of course it’s who you know’. You're sure about that? Really? Well here's the thing, I know some folk, name-dropping worth folk, folk who can get tickets to English rugby internationals, but I'm still skint and still drinking house wine so these folk are not exactly lighting my financial fire. And despite the fact I know (using the term “know” very fast and loose) some mentionables my life isn't going to change without some help from the gods and I don't have much of a relationship with them. I tend to name-drop God a lot but I don’t really know him personally. (Panic not I shall not inflict my ‘Tata Jesus is Bangala’ (BarbaraKingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible: 1998) views upon you dear readers.) On the other hand I do name-drop Santa Claus regularly because I do believe in him as he is the father of commercialisation and our insatiable desire to buy crap we don’t need. Also I figure asking Santa for a new laptop (not a craptop) makes me sound cute and endearing and more likely to receive said laptop.

As is my nature I am moving off the topic here and you’re probably bored of my self-indulgent ramblings; notice how I managed to fit in my religious views, my anti-consumerist campaign and hint for a new laptop. GENIUS.

So being a writer I keep my ear very close to the ground for material is everywhere. This means I know stuff, I know a lot of stuff. Stuff that makes excellent writing material. Since I lost my ethics I have a new found respect for Jashraf Amiable (Ashrafism) who nicked my life for a short story and bothered to change my name to Jackie. Previously I was enraged that he had the audacity, but folks, the long hard truth is I'd sell myself to the devil for a good story.

So here goes...

"Jobsworth" enlightened me that actually what you know and how you use it is what's important; people come and people go and staking your skills on the fact that you know "Famous McWow-you-know-him/her" is only going to work for a handful of lucky bastards. So here's my big idea...

It's a Facebook Group and it's called "Degrees of Separation". It's based on the theory that everyone knows everyone in some way through mutual friends, acquaintances etc. The premise is that disgruntled mistresses, blokes, betties, toy-boys etc. will email me and say ‘I need to tell, let’s call her “Jenny”, that James is cheating on her...’ I will then use my cunning stalker analytics and trowel through Jenny's friends, pick a friend, pick a friend of that friend, and pick a friend of that friend... I'll then message said degree of separation link and ask him/her to deliver a message saying:

‘Dear Jenny, James is a cheating bastard… I’ve been told to separate you’. Jenny will find out about James' roaming without finding out who the mistress is and, hence, will place the blame where blame is due, on James.

Personally I am sick of mistresses getting a bad rap. Now before you go all spastic and start judging me just hold the phone whilst I explain myself. I’m not saying that cheating is right or should be tolerated but it’s a sad hard cold truth and it’s not going to go away. It’s like Wagner from the X-Factor, he’s just going to return week after week like a nasty STD. Also, I’ve been cheated on and it’s like a walk in the rain sans umbrella sans pina colada. Yet, as much as it sucks there is absolutely no logic in blaming the hooker/bastard who snipered your man/woman.

Ultimately the partner should be held responsible. All too often I’ve seen said partner walk back into the sunset having been reunited with his/her disgruntled boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband etc. and the sex object is left licking his/her wounds and spending the rest of his/her days shunned from society. “Degrees of Separation” aims to shift the blame to the correct person. ‘So where does the money making part come in’ I hear my future investors exclaim. Well basically the idea is that I email the cheater and say,

‘Dear James, you are a cheating bastard. To avoid separation please deposit £x into my bank account or I tell Jenny. You might want to think twice before cheating again.’

I then give 25% commission to the poor male/female who has been victimised by the cheater and has felt that the only way to move forward is blackmail. As investors you'd be there to share the load, there are a lot of cheating bastards out there!

I understand that this concept is a little unorthodox but I grew up on a diet of Monty Python, White Mischief, Gone With The Wind, The English Patient and Dangerous Liaisons. Take your time to chew the cud on this one, I understand genius is often not recognised in its time. 

Next week’s excellent business plan… “turning good horses into pet food”.