Musings

The Apple of his Eye

I was beyond amused reading the Metro this morning. I reckon Boris secretly writes most of the editorial because the quality is that of an oik. And in my opinion Boris is an “oik”. I usually boycott the Metro however this morning I took my seat on the train and it was spread out, tantalisingly, on the seat next to me revealing its double page spread. I perused Stalkerbook for a while avoiding the temptation of the grey pages but unfortunately there were no sex scandals or dirty laundry for me to enjoy. Instead I got the generic, ‘So glad it’s Friday’, ‘Go the Sharks’, ‘I’m tired and working so hard’,  ‘My life is crap’… boring stuff… After a couple of minutes I was left dejected and finally picked up the paper and began flipping the pages for a worthy story to grab my attention. I glanced over The 'UK are the fattest nation in Europe' story, the latest X-Factor saga, Maria Carey up the duff, the lame excuse for a pun in the form of “Doggie Pawtraits”, and an article dedicated to apple bobbing.

Last Halloween 3 people were injured owing to the ruthless sport, “apple bobbing”.  You’re not actually going to believe this but the opening of the story is,

‘A ‘high velocity impact with an apple’ has the potential to cause serious eye injury while unclean water could lead to infection, officials say.’ (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kMlFfmp)

You cannot actually make this shit up can you? The article suggests disinfecting the water in which the sinister fruits bob, waiting to gouge out your eyes with their stalks. To prevent the forbidden fruits from impaling you with their “high velocity impact” it is also suggested, by South Hampton Hospitals and the trusty NHS, that you wear goggles. Better still, remove the fuckers from water with your hands to add a new “twist” to the game, wow the children must be bobbing with excitement. Apple Bobbing is such a violent sport that we are also told that at the “extreme” end of the scale one could even lose an eye! I actually had a bloody good chuckle especially because the piece de resistance came from yea old man on the street. They asked a shop assistant what he thought and he said, ‘I’ve done apple bobbing for years and never had any problems.’ Well that’s good to know isn’t it?

(Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/news/845561-halloween-warning-apple-bobbing-can-damage-your-health#ixzz13kN7E7Gi)

So that was my second favourite story of this morning. I know, you’re thinking, ‘it’s going to take a hell of a lot to top that’, and you’d be correct. The next story actually had me crying. I skimmed the pages and Posh and Becks have had a fight, The Saturday’s are singing for our troops… yawn… And then, ‘Wedding bells for pair who met via ‘ugly’ dating website’. As I scanned the page the story unfolded into an absolute cruncher, it just kept getting better and better. To begin with I was just Godsmacked that this is considered newsworthy and then as the narrative developed I was left feeling utterly amazed at the lunacy; surely so-called ugly people wouldn’t subscribe to this? The website is called www.theuglybugball.com and it is for “aesthetically challenged” folk. The website actually adopts this euphemism despite having “ugly” in the main title. Curious. Aside from being for “aesthetically challenged” folk the website has the following to say:

·         Half of UK daters aren’t pretty so instead of fishing in a small pool of prettiness and getting nowhere dive into an ocean of uglies and have more choice.

·         Ugly people are a better calibre of human- pretty people generally aren’t very nice and tend to be a bit shallow.

·         Ugly people have had a tougher life and therefore tend to be more considerate and more loyal. A recent Uglydate survey also proved that they try harder in bed.

·         Once with an ugly partner it is unlikely that anyone will try and take them from you meaning you can let yourself go completely once you’re together.

·         In these straightened times Uglydate is cheaper as a) We don’t charge much as the pretty sites and b) Ugly people have lower expectations- for a first date A Family Bucket will usually do the trick.

(Taken word for word (bad grammar included) from www.theuglybugball.com)

I am trying to find words at this moment. I can only come up with the simple phrase, ‘What the Fuck’? Seriously I don’t know if these people are having a laugh but ‘ugly people try harder in bed’? They’re having a laugh surely? And the audacity of the verbose and general claims? I have met some very pissed off and miserable mingers which makes them all the more “aesthetically challenged”.

Anyway this story heralds the fact that the site is celebrating its first engagement, “Hooray”! Two mingers met via the website and are making their love official. Obviously the couple have great personalities which is what attracted them to each other. Their story is undoubtedly very charming in the usual contrived romantic cybertale manner. He sent the first witty email, she replied, eventually they decided to meet face-to-face and weeks later in a whirlwind they were head-over-heels and engaged. Yawn. The only thing that makes the story unique is the fact that they are not your average “Mr and Mrs Beautiful”. I was about to upchuck, especially after the vomtastic, ‘To me, Tom’s the perfect handsome prince- I’m just so pleased to have been able to meet him- and I’m head-over-heels in love’. But then came the bride and groom on the tip of the wedding cake, the miraculous honeymoon that has been given to them, FREE, by the website. Brace yourselves:

‘The couple, from Stow-on-the-Wold, Gloucestershire, have been given a free caravan honeymoon in Borth, west Wales…’

Now that just says it all doesn’t it?

(Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/home/845540-wedding-bells-for-pair-who-met-via-ugly-dating-website)

Jaqui's Guide To Business: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Degrees of Separation

'It's not what you know, it's who you know' is an old adage that gets bandied about by smug bastards who've landed some incredible job or opportunity because they can name-drop someone important. I was thinking about this belief on my commute the other evening because some phone monkey that I work with was throwing around some hot shot motoring industry person. I think he was trying to impress me but I'm too fly to be impressed by a cheap black suit and brown shoes. Seriously I don't mind the cheap suit but I do mind the black pants and brown shoes very much. In fact I take umbrage that men actually find this fashionably acceptable. So he was swanning about the kitchen making his cheap instant coffee to get the "caffeine" hit that is so important to salespeople don't you know? And he came out with it. I literally had to pinch myself out of the stereotype. It pains me to say but he actually said, 'Jaqs, babe, it's not what you know it's who you know in this industry. I'll have a chat to Mr Wellendowed and see if I can pull some strings.' Honest to God I nearly lifted the recycling bin and threw it at him; but I didn't for I am a lady. Instead I gushed, 'wow Jobsworth (pseudonym) that sure would be neat.' The only thing helping me to cling to any sense of self worth and dignity was the dripping sarcasm and the fact that he'd given me a bloody fantastic business plan. I did however tell him I'd staple his scrotum to the office bulletin board if he ever referred to me as "babe" again.

So you may be thinking, ‘well of course it’s who you know’. You're sure about that? Really? Well here's the thing, I know some folk, name-dropping worth folk, folk who can get tickets to English rugby internationals, but I'm still skint and still drinking house wine so these folk are not exactly lighting my financial fire. And despite the fact I know (using the term “know” very fast and loose) some mentionables my life isn't going to change without some help from the gods and I don't have much of a relationship with them. I tend to name-drop God a lot but I don’t really know him personally. (Panic not I shall not inflict my ‘Tata Jesus is Bangala’ (BarbaraKingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible: 1998) views upon you dear readers.) On the other hand I do name-drop Santa Claus regularly because I do believe in him as he is the father of commercialisation and our insatiable desire to buy crap we don’t need. Also I figure asking Santa for a new laptop (not a craptop) makes me sound cute and endearing and more likely to receive said laptop.

As is my nature I am moving off the topic here and you’re probably bored of my self-indulgent ramblings; notice how I managed to fit in my religious views, my anti-consumerist campaign and hint for a new laptop. GENIUS.

So being a writer I keep my ear very close to the ground for material is everywhere. This means I know stuff, I know a lot of stuff. Stuff that makes excellent writing material. Since I lost my ethics I have a new found respect for Jashraf Amiable (Ashrafism) who nicked my life for a short story and bothered to change my name to Jackie. Previously I was enraged that he had the audacity, but folks, the long hard truth is I'd sell myself to the devil for a good story.

So here goes...

"Jobsworth" enlightened me that actually what you know and how you use it is what's important; people come and people go and staking your skills on the fact that you know "Famous McWow-you-know-him/her" is only going to work for a handful of lucky bastards. So here's my big idea...

It's a Facebook Group and it's called "Degrees of Separation". It's based on the theory that everyone knows everyone in some way through mutual friends, acquaintances etc. The premise is that disgruntled mistresses, blokes, betties, toy-boys etc. will email me and say ‘I need to tell, let’s call her “Jenny”, that James is cheating on her...’ I will then use my cunning stalker analytics and trowel through Jenny's friends, pick a friend, pick a friend of that friend, and pick a friend of that friend... I'll then message said degree of separation link and ask him/her to deliver a message saying:

‘Dear Jenny, James is a cheating bastard… I’ve been told to separate you’. Jenny will find out about James' roaming without finding out who the mistress is and, hence, will place the blame where blame is due, on James.

Personally I am sick of mistresses getting a bad rap. Now before you go all spastic and start judging me just hold the phone whilst I explain myself. I’m not saying that cheating is right or should be tolerated but it’s a sad hard cold truth and it’s not going to go away. It’s like Wagner from the X-Factor, he’s just going to return week after week like a nasty STD. Also, I’ve been cheated on and it’s like a walk in the rain sans umbrella sans pina colada. Yet, as much as it sucks there is absolutely no logic in blaming the hooker/bastard who snipered your man/woman.

Ultimately the partner should be held responsible. All too often I’ve seen said partner walk back into the sunset having been reunited with his/her disgruntled boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband etc. and the sex object is left licking his/her wounds and spending the rest of his/her days shunned from society. “Degrees of Separation” aims to shift the blame to the correct person. ‘So where does the money making part come in’ I hear my future investors exclaim. Well basically the idea is that I email the cheater and say,

‘Dear James, you are a cheating bastard. To avoid separation please deposit £x into my bank account or I tell Jenny. You might want to think twice before cheating again.’

I then give 25% commission to the poor male/female who has been victimised by the cheater and has felt that the only way to move forward is blackmail. As investors you'd be there to share the load, there are a lot of cheating bastards out there!

I understand that this concept is a little unorthodox but I grew up on a diet of Monty Python, White Mischief, Gone With The Wind, The English Patient and Dangerous Liaisons. Take your time to chew the cud on this one, I understand genius is often not recognised in its time. 

Next week’s excellent business plan… “turning good horses into pet food”.

Jaqui's Guide To Living: Chapter 2

Chapter 2
The Game

I was thinking about “The Game” that we play when we start out a new relationship. And believe you me, I am playing very fast and loose with the term “relationship”. The Game of, “when to text”, “how long to wait before you text back”, “whether to phone”, “whether to compliment the other person”, “whether to request him/her as a friend on Facebook”, “when to ask her/him out”, “where to go on the first date” etc.? Personally I’m not a fan of “The Game” it’s very stressful, there are rules and I’m generally not one to stick with rules. For example there’s the, “wait at least 2 hours before replying to a text message rule”, the “say you’re busy when he asks you out” rule, the “refer to your outfit as ‘this old thing’ when he compliments you” rule. It’s just not my thing at all. In hindsight this may be why I’m so bad at “The Game”.

So thinking about the games that we play I decided to Google it and what I found was much more interesting. I don’t know what I expected to find; maybe something resembling He’s Just Not That Into You. Instead what I found was a reminder that I’ve actually been winning “The Game” for nearly 2 years.

There is a well known psychologist in Hilton (the village where I am from), a man called Barry Tim (Ashrafism). Barry Tim says that if you can sit or stand on a carpet without thinking of polar bears it will be able to fly. However the catch is that you have to have been told about this in order for it to fly. I have not yet been able to make a carpet fly because every time I think about getting it to fly polar bears come flooding into my head. This concept is at the heart of “The Game”. The Game has become a phenomenon and the simple idea is that if you’re thinking about The Game you’ve lost. The rules to The Game are very simple; when you think about it you lose, you then have to announce that you’ve lost The Game otherwise you’re cheating. You have a grace period of 10-30 minutes after you’ve lost where you can think about The Game but once this has passed and you’re thinking about The Game again then you’ve lost... again. People who are not thinking about The Game are winning. However if you’re not playing you can’t win, and you have to be aware of it to be playing. Sounds simple and ridiculous; that’s what I thought.

I first heard about “The Game” in The Metro (a free morning newspaper) but I just glanced over the article so I wasn’t completely aware of the concept in its entirety. I kind of got the gist but didn’t give it much thought. Hence for nearly two years I’ve been winning The Game and up until a few moments ago I was blissfully unaware of how awesome this was. I am bitterly disappointed at my loss and can now think of nothing else but this game that seems so utterly pointless.

Delving into the premise of The Game is deeply fascinating. It’s more than a game, it’s a virus. Each time I lose The Game I have to tell someone that I’ve lost it. This person then either asks me what I’m on about or then admits that they too have just lost. Ultimately everyone will become a loser. The idea behind The Game is make everyone aware that they’re playing it, and the game will only end when everyone knows about its existence. The Metro article that was published in December 2008 was a hoax in order to infect over 3 million people with The Game. Radio stations have infected listeners by announcing that they’ve just lost The Game.YouTube and Facebook have infected millions of people and continue to do so.

It’s been referred to as a “mind virus”. Once you have it you can’t get rid of it and it will continue to spread each time you lose. Since finding out I’ve lost The Game I have told people about it and I’m beginning to feel that it’s now ethically wrong, but the problem is the more I tell people the more I win. My aim is now to infect as many people I can with The Game virus.

At the heart of The Game's success are our channels of communication. What has become apparent is the speed at which information travels, is the key to the longevity of The Game. With the Internet, Social Networking Sites, Mobile Communications, Email etc. The Game can spread globally at speeds that cross boundaries.  So who is safe from The Game and how does one protect oneself from The Game? Postmodernity has dictated that I have had no choice in avoiding The Game. I am infected.

Ironically medical viruses that spread in the 3rd world will largely be spared by The Game. But ultimately the question is, how far will humans go to win The Game and at what cost?

Jaqui's Guide To Living: Chapter 1

Chapter 1
I make my bed don’t lie in it

As expressed I have an above average memory and to further illustrate this I shall draw upon another anecdote which I shall end with a sense of smug accomplishment. The resurgence of this vivid picture came about because I was reading my favourite blog author one Jigsaw Pig. For fear of losing my valued readers I shall not tell you where this blog resides.

Pig was questioning the validity of bed sharing. He argues that it’s a silly idea. He has numerous excellent reasons why this is the case which I shall succinctly list in a very perfunctory manner:
Couples have separate cars why does the same not apply to beds?
They give their children their own beds, and in some instances bedrooms, why not allow themselves the same privilege?
With central heating and warm blankets the argument that partners are necessary for heating is flawed.
Trying to convincingly argue that it’s more enjoyable to share a bed is irrational because if this was the case then hotels would charge more to share a bed. Conversely individuals in a solitary bed would be given a discount for having to suffer through the night in a bed of his/her own.
The love and affection argument is also flawed because no one can rationalise enjoying each other’s company whilst sleeping.

I admit that after a while the burden of bed sharing becomes apparent. Issues like snoring, blanket thievery and mattress boundaries become more prominent. And, let’s be honest the sight of seeing your partner having woken from slumber with the pillow case stuck to his/her cheek from the drool that ventured south just minutes previously is not exactly a romantic picture now is it? Then there’s the fidgeting, and the excuses you have to come up with because he/she wants to cuddle and you don’t. Also it’s best not to get me started on the annoyance of having to fight over the right side of the bed or who is going to make it in the morning.

Pig’s idea seemed preposterous to me in earlier life as I shall explain. I remember when I was very young I walked into Nana and Grandpa’s bedroom for the first time and there they were. Two wooden beds of the singular variety neatly made. Nana’s had a floral cushion and Grandpa’s had a brown chequered one. At the foot of each was a neatly folded “itchy” blanket, you know the type that is built for warmth rather than comfort? I was deeply shocked because as far as I was concerned Nana and Grandpa were in love and happy. I immediately went to the source of this burning question and approached Nana who said ‘because we like it’. The simplicity of answer did not fulfil my inquiring mind so I thought that being a woman with a well known intellect my mother would provide me with a more satisfactory response.

After a couple of minutes I left the warm comfort of mother’s lap and sulked away pondering this anomaly. Being a young child I soon found another question to solve and Nana and Grandpa’s sleeping arrangements simply became a curious acceptance.

Bed sharing had all but vanished from my mental landscape until I met a lovely couple who not only didn’t share a bed but they didn’t share a bedroom either. They made no bones about this fact and said that they both liked their space. Having never analysed my feelings towards bed sharing I found this to be an idea of the preposterous sort. Was not the point of having a partner to enjoy the ritualised getting into bed pleasure?

Having shared a bed with a boyfriend full time for about 2 years I can comfortably say that sighs of pleasure at getting into a nice crisp bed were rare. This is unusual because getting into bed is often the best part of my day. The soft pillows, the warm cuddle that your duvet gives you, the joy experienced at being horizontal after a tedious day at work, the singular idea that you’re about to embark on slumber and when you wake you’ll still be in this linen paradise. Sharing a bed with someone means that you are constantly disturbed by their breathing, snoring and God forbid teeth grinding. Every movement they make vibrates through the covers like an avalanche… hardly the stuff that pleasurable sighs are made of.

I think that the divorce rate would drop if couples slept in different beds. When partners are separated the idea is that their reunion is a time of intense passion. Imagine the delight of waking after a restful sleep to leave the privacy of your bedroom and find your partner ready for his/her day smiling at you? What a rare treat that would be. It’s no secret that not everyone is a morning person like me. I wake up and I’m rearing to go, immediately. I smile, and laugh and bash around the house merrily shouting about the day I’m likely to have. I understand that this is not the behaviour of 70% of the human population. I can imagine that the annoyance that I feel about miserable, slow, uncoordinated zombies with a penchant for pressing the snooze button is equally shared by them towards me. Personally I haven’t met many couples where both parties claim to be morning people or both claim to be terrible in the morning, so wanting to avoid one’s partner in the morning is not just a silly whim of mine. I dislike someone hijacking my sunny disposition with their snooze button tendencies so it would make perfect sense for me to go about my morning in my usual manner whilst my “other half” rests cosily in his own chambers.

Oh I can see the faces of all the couples who are reading this thinking, ‘shame poor Jaqui, she’s just a lonely singleton… besides, that’s not how it is with me and (insert partner’s name here).’

Chuckle chuckle

Jaqui's Guide To Dating: Chapter 19

Chapter 19
The Walk of Shame

I’ve done the walk of shame, the bus of shame, the taxi of shame, the tube of shame, the train of shame, the drive of shame and the lift of shame. Wow my mum must be so proud! We’ve all done it though, haven’t we? To be fair, on some of these shame rides I was the wingman so it wasn’t actually my shame burden to carry down the pavement towards home.

One of my all time favourite shames was the taxi of shame. My wingman and I ended up at some random house after a great night of Tequila induced revelry. I woke up on a blowup mattress with what I believed to be the beginning stages of hypothermia and went through to find my wingman fretting about how to get home. What she didn’t know was that I have cunning tricks that I’ve picked up from various folk that I’ve met throughout my lifetime. We went through his post and found his address and a bit about his lifestyle at the same time; result. Job done, the taxi was ordered and before long we found ourselves on the journey towards home congratulating ourselves on our excellent stalking skills.

The Shame run is anything but pleasant however it is kind of amusing when it’s not you. You can recognise a shame victim immediately. You know the type of betty who’s stumbling along with a Coke, panda-eyed, high heels slung limply to her side, tight little number looking a bit creased, bed hair, eyes looking pavementward? I’ve had friends who’ve done it with the addition of red feather boas and fishnets, Christmas hats, 80’s lycra... but none took the cake quite like “Emma” after the baby oil incident. You may remember Emma from a previous entry, she had to ride a London bus looking like she’d had a date with a chip fryer.

There’s a lot of shame in my life, some self inflicted and some because I have really strange relations like Cocaine David for example. There’s also my late Aunty Emmy who nicked an entire bag of Malteasers from under my cousin’s nose, no one steals candy from a baby do they? Emily does. Anyway on one particularly surreal morning I did the walk of shame around my own house. Hold that thought, should I not be writing this as if I’m someone else…?

Okay… I have a friend, let’s call her “Sally”. Sally just so happened to live with the lovely Wayne and Fiona. You remember Wayne and Fiona don’t you? They’re that dynamic couple I used to go and visit, she likes to iron and starch? Anyway Sally moved into the house that they lived in and they didn’t really take to her terribly much. She wasn’t like most girls they’d met who like to darn socks on Saturday nights and attend church services on Sunday, thereafter preparing the evening’s roast with three veg and insipid gravy. She was feisty and loud and worse of all opinionated. Sally moved in and by the end of week one the cabin fever had set in, she had to go out. Sally rounded up the troops and all but Wayne and Fiona were keen on a little razzle dazzle.

Sally decided that after a week of being housebound she needed to break out the Laura Mercier “Seduction” and high heels. Her transformation was complete and as she trotted downstairs she was sure she looked like a million dollars because Wayne said, ‘not many people can pull off red lipstick without looking like a hooker’. Sally was pretty sure that he meant that she looked like a hooker which was good news because the last thing she wanted was Wayne’s approval on an outfit, unless she was going to a nuns and mums party.

Sally entered the bar and Seduction worked a charm as you may remember from the 'Red Lipstick' entry; however you’re missing a few of the finer details. It turns out that London taxi drivers are not charmed by Seduction and will take advantage of inebriated folk at every turn. The Tescos said taxi driver dropped Sally and her new found New Zealand pal was the wrong one so they had to walk about 3 miles to the house. No matter they were drunk and the adventure ahead lay in getting home in exceptionally high heels without falling over.

The mood in the house the next morning was odd to say the least and Sally couldn't quite put her finger on it. Sally awoke and promptly informed New Zealand that the path to success was out her door. She purposefully sported her finest Springbok jersey thinking it would rile him to the point of distraction. However he took this as an illustration of keenness for sport and therefore asked if she would escort him to the door whilst they discussed their mutual passion. Sally pondered the scenario whereby she would have to escort New Zealand (“What the Hell was his name again?”) out the door, walking past Wayne and Fiona and the rest of the homies. ‘Unlikely at best’, she thought and told New Zealand she was too hungover to move. New Zealand looked slightly put out but Sally has dated assholes so she’s developed a Brazil nut exterior and was unmoved by his look of ‘Que?’

Sally bade her annoying accented friend adieu and wrapped herself in her duvet. Had it not been for the hope of Coke downstairs she wouldn’t have exited her comfortable nest until Monday morning. However Coke was most necessary so she took the plunge towards the unknown. As her foot landed on the last step leading towards the kitchen she knew that what she was in for was sure to be a delicious treat. In her "hangoverus maximus" state she forgot that her homies NEVER EVER go out… EVER. It was a picture of domestic bliss, Wayne and Fiona were sitting discussing their bills and the rest of the homies were watching some poor quality tv. Sally knew she had makeup all over her face and she was feeling a little dizzy, her face reflected not only someone who had over imbibed but also there was a clear picture of shame. As Wayne met her eye she knew the game was up.

‘Did you have a nice evening?’ he enquired. Sally being new to Wayne’s world pipped ‘mmm yes thanks…’
‘We’re going to have to do something about your bed…’ he uttered in his most patronising tone…
‘Huh?’ thought Sally and then realised in a fuzz of vague drunken haze she may have remembered some squeaking. On further inspection she did the "jump test" and the penny dropped as to why Wayne’s eyes were dark ringed and he looked a little sleep deprived. As luck would have it Wayne and Fiona were in the room beneath Sally’s.

The other homies were obviously delighted with Sally’s performance especially as she was new to the world of the house. At first they liked to torment her and tell her how absolutely foot-stamping mad Wayne was as he likes his sleep and he's into the Old Testament rules. Sally felt like she was paying rent for a room that wasn’t even hers which made her even more ashamed. She mused about the likelihood of Wayne and Fiona shagging and wondered why it was okay for them but not for her? Feeling so down in the dumps and ashamed about a random napover was a new feeling and the shame simply increased as she started to doubt her lifestyle choices. After some realisation and a couple of ironing incidents she returned to her senses and realised that Wayne's missionary position is not only a position in the bedroom but a position on life.






I am happy to report that Sally is currently living in a flat with her wingman… and her bed no longer squeaks.

Bracelet of Shame

The Bracelet of Shame

It's taken me ages to be able to face writing about the “Bracelet of Shame”. This piece has been sitting in the depths of my brain wailing to get out and ironically it's the shame that's made me procrastinate for so long.

Not so long ago it was my mother's 50th Birthday. In my world this is a big deal because I love my mum and I love buying gifts; I especially love buying gifts for my mum. I've got this thing for Audrey Hepburn, I think it's the fact that she can't sing for shit but looks killer in a little black number. Breakfast at Tiffany's made me drool over Tiffany's jewellery without having even gone into the store. I made up my mind that only one gift would suffice for this occasion and that was something from Tiffany's. I'm actually blushing as I write this because it gets so bad.

I'm into online shopping. When I say I'm "into" online shopping that's actually one mammoth understatement. If my life was made into a movie it would be called "Breakfast at Amazon.com". Seriously, I cannot go one day without adding stuff to my shopping trolley; books I've always wanted to own but haven't bothered to buy, dvd box sets, kitchen gadgets, shoes etc. The best thing is you simply pick what you want, click the mouse a couple of times and hey presto you've just maxed out your credit card. It's genius. The other benefit of Amazon is that you wait for your shit to arrive and when it does it's all boxed up nicely and it's a massive surprise. I like surprises they float my boat. I especially love surprises when they arrive first thing on a Monday morning.

It is this faith in online shopping that is my nemesis. I automatically assume that everything that you purchase in cyberspace must be fabulous. So it was that I went to tiffanystore.com and did the unthinkable. I purchased this beautiful bracelet (so the picture led me to believe) that was marked down from £159 to £49. 'Too good to be true' I hear you muse. Well you'd be right. In my defence there was some lame story about no one buying jewellery in the recession hence major price cuts aka "sales". Cringe. So £59 spent, including postage and packaging, and as I click the mouse for the final time my heart drops and I feel like I've just contributed to the illegal arms race.

Unlike my little Amazon gems this parcel arrived with a clap of doom. I guess the feeling I got was similar to the one I get when I receive that letter from the NHS telling me that I'm due for a pap smear. Joy! When the parcel was handed over I immediately put it in my bottom drawer. I caught a couple of Chinese characters as it was being handed over by the post room guy, special Chinese characters typed by little Chinese slave labourers. Fuck.

Initially the contents of the package didn't look too bad . Good turquoise box, nice turquoise carrier bag, fantastic turquoise mock-velvet jewellery pouch, lovely nice shiny-as-shit bracelet proudly shouting 'hey cheap skate I'm fake!' Double Fuck.

It took me a day or so to open the bottom drawer of my desk. I even converted the bastard shiny bracelet from pounds back into Commercial ZARs to add value to my status as the world's biggest muppet. There was only one thing for it. Tequila and shit piles of it.

Tequila led to drunken debauchery, which led to having sexy times with a bloke with a girlfriend. Monday morning I wanted to bowl for Columbine in my office. Not only did I have to face the piece of shit bracelet in my desk drawer. Not only had I shagged a guy with a betty. BUT I also had nothing to give my mum for her birthday.

I opened my desk, undid the cheap clasp on the bracelet and emancipated my bad tiffanystore.com purchase. Throughout the day as the cheap silver clanked on my desk, as I typed out boring client emails, I actually smiled. Each clank of silver was greeted with a liberated buzz as I realised just how shameful I should feel. The shame of buying cheap shit on the Internet, the shame of being a home wrecker and the shame thinking I was back to square one on the gift front.
Since then the Bracelet of Shame has practically been soldered to my wrist. This bodes well for the longevity of my fake tiffanystore.com purchase, especially because if I’m not wearing it one of my mates is. The thing is wearing the bracelet is like “sitting in the corner and thinking about what you’ve done”. Once you’re removed from the corner you go back to being a pain in the ass and smacking your sister around.