Jaqui's Guide To Living: Chapter 1

Chapter 1
I make my bed don’t lie in it

As expressed I have an above average memory and to further illustrate this I shall draw upon another anecdote which I shall end with a sense of smug accomplishment. The resurgence of this vivid picture came about because I was reading my favourite blog author one Jigsaw Pig. For fear of losing my valued readers I shall not tell you where this blog resides.

Pig was questioning the validity of bed sharing. He argues that it’s a silly idea. He has numerous excellent reasons why this is the case which I shall succinctly list in a very perfunctory manner:
Couples have separate cars why does the same not apply to beds?
They give their children their own beds, and in some instances bedrooms, why not allow themselves the same privilege?
With central heating and warm blankets the argument that partners are necessary for heating is flawed.
Trying to convincingly argue that it’s more enjoyable to share a bed is irrational because if this was the case then hotels would charge more to share a bed. Conversely individuals in a solitary bed would be given a discount for having to suffer through the night in a bed of his/her own.
The love and affection argument is also flawed because no one can rationalise enjoying each other’s company whilst sleeping.

I admit that after a while the burden of bed sharing becomes apparent. Issues like snoring, blanket thievery and mattress boundaries become more prominent. And, let’s be honest the sight of seeing your partner having woken from slumber with the pillow case stuck to his/her cheek from the drool that ventured south just minutes previously is not exactly a romantic picture now is it? Then there’s the fidgeting, and the excuses you have to come up with because he/she wants to cuddle and you don’t. Also it’s best not to get me started on the annoyance of having to fight over the right side of the bed or who is going to make it in the morning.

Pig’s idea seemed preposterous to me in earlier life as I shall explain. I remember when I was very young I walked into Nana and Grandpa’s bedroom for the first time and there they were. Two wooden beds of the singular variety neatly made. Nana’s had a floral cushion and Grandpa’s had a brown chequered one. At the foot of each was a neatly folded “itchy” blanket, you know the type that is built for warmth rather than comfort? I was deeply shocked because as far as I was concerned Nana and Grandpa were in love and happy. I immediately went to the source of this burning question and approached Nana who said ‘because we like it’. The simplicity of answer did not fulfil my inquiring mind so I thought that being a woman with a well known intellect my mother would provide me with a more satisfactory response.

After a couple of minutes I left the warm comfort of mother’s lap and sulked away pondering this anomaly. Being a young child I soon found another question to solve and Nana and Grandpa’s sleeping arrangements simply became a curious acceptance.

Bed sharing had all but vanished from my mental landscape until I met a lovely couple who not only didn’t share a bed but they didn’t share a bedroom either. They made no bones about this fact and said that they both liked their space. Having never analysed my feelings towards bed sharing I found this to be an idea of the preposterous sort. Was not the point of having a partner to enjoy the ritualised getting into bed pleasure?

Having shared a bed with a boyfriend full time for about 2 years I can comfortably say that sighs of pleasure at getting into a nice crisp bed were rare. This is unusual because getting into bed is often the best part of my day. The soft pillows, the warm cuddle that your duvet gives you, the joy experienced at being horizontal after a tedious day at work, the singular idea that you’re about to embark on slumber and when you wake you’ll still be in this linen paradise. Sharing a bed with someone means that you are constantly disturbed by their breathing, snoring and God forbid teeth grinding. Every movement they make vibrates through the covers like an avalanche… hardly the stuff that pleasurable sighs are made of.

I think that the divorce rate would drop if couples slept in different beds. When partners are separated the idea is that their reunion is a time of intense passion. Imagine the delight of waking after a restful sleep to leave the privacy of your bedroom and find your partner ready for his/her day smiling at you? What a rare treat that would be. It’s no secret that not everyone is a morning person like me. I wake up and I’m rearing to go, immediately. I smile, and laugh and bash around the house merrily shouting about the day I’m likely to have. I understand that this is not the behaviour of 70% of the human population. I can imagine that the annoyance that I feel about miserable, slow, uncoordinated zombies with a penchant for pressing the snooze button is equally shared by them towards me. Personally I haven’t met many couples where both parties claim to be morning people or both claim to be terrible in the morning, so wanting to avoid one’s partner in the morning is not just a silly whim of mine. I dislike someone hijacking my sunny disposition with their snooze button tendencies so it would make perfect sense for me to go about my morning in my usual manner whilst my “other half” rests cosily in his own chambers.

Oh I can see the faces of all the couples who are reading this thinking, ‘shame poor Jaqui, she’s just a lonely singleton… besides, that’s not how it is with me and (insert partner’s name here).’

Chuckle chuckle